Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize