the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
