Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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