Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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