True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize