I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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