i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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