my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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