so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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