How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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