I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
