are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
