We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
