you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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