I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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