i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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