I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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