Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
