Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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