So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
