Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
