Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Plan B is the new Plan A
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
