You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
