i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
