sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
