the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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