i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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