I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
