im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
