i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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