I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
