she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Holy sore nipples Batman
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
