You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
