i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
