idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
