laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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