Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize