I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
