No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
