hotel room ftw
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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