watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
