Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
