I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
this is an emotional support booty call
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
