Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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