jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
