Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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