well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
organizing the empties. That sober.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
