Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
