Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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