I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
