wakey wakey hands off snakey
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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