I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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