Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
