3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
