i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
