i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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