I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
