I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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