Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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