you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
