I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
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