I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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