All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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