Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
