She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
