I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize